Learning to Breathe
by Andarte
Summary: Bella is feeling smothered by Edward's overly protective nature, and realizes what part of her must have known all along. Bella/Jacob. AU/AR.
1. Learning to Breathe

_This concept came to me during a rather uneventful shift at work after listening to Eclipse on audio tape on the ride over. In theory, it takes place towards the beginning/middle of Eclipse, though I don't have a particular day on which I picture it happening. It is, in a way, the result of musings about my own personality and how sometimes what we want/need the most isn't what we would expect. Sometimes it takes a long, long time to realize the best thing for us._

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I loved Edward with all of my heart, but I couldn't breathe around him. Literally.

I realized that with Jacob, I could be free.

The realization came slowly, but when it came it hit me with greater force than I would have thought possible. Alice had seen a future where I died, and one where I became a vampire. As far as her visions went, those two were my only options. It had been foolish of me to forget that where werewolves were concerned, she was blind. Quite foolish, really.

It was something I had seen throughout dozens of decisions, but only just now identified. To Edward, I was a weak human who needed protection. Who couldn't make the right decisions for myself. To him, it was his opinions and ideas for me that must be abided by.

With Jake, though, I could make my own decisions. My own mistakes. If they were wrong choices, then I would learn from them myself. To him my stubborn, sometimes foolish, character was tolerated. He would tell me when he disagreed, having nearly as bad a temper as I did if not worse, but he wouldn't force my compliance. Neither would he trick me into it. I think, at times, he found my stubbornness amusing. Whatever crazy or dangerous idea I came up with, he would be along for the ride and to pick up the pieces. Even after I had repeatedly chosen another over him. Even then, he only wished me happy.

I think today, when Edward once again forbade a trip to La Push, was when the pieces finally fell into place for me. He ruled my life with his over protectiveness, asking marriage of me, the greatest price other than time, in order to have him and not Carlisle change me. And now that I can see the truth so clearly, I feel compelled to act.

I sprung from my bed clumsily, looking over at the clock. 9:30. I was only alone because Edward had gone hunting with his brothers, and I knew that even if Alice saw the change in my future she wouldn't have time to get Edward or act herself if I went quickly enough to Quileute territory. I loved Alice and Edward dearly, but I knew what I had to do. I picked up the phone as I pulled on my clothes. It only rang twice before a tired voice answered.

"Hello?" came Jacob's voice, now so much deeper than it had once been. It was still rough from sleeping, but it warmed me instantly.

"Jake?" I said. "It's Bella. Is there any way... can I come down there to see you? Now?" _Please say yes, _I thought desperately. I didn't think he'd refuse me, not after having said he thought we might be able to still be friends. Then again, I'd hurt him time and time again, and maybe he would get some stupid idea in his head that we were better off staying apart.

"Sure," he said. "Now though?"

"Yes, now," I answered firmly. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Bye Jake."

I hung up quickly, not giving him the chance to object. I had to get to La Push now, before Edward had the chance to interfere. I was fully aware that I'd have to explain things to Edward, and all the Cullens, soon, but first I needed Jacob. I ran out to the truck, muttering a quick explanation to Charlie. I said I was going to see Jacob, and as usual he didn't object.

The drive took what seemed like forever, though I pushed my truck as fast as it would go and must have made the trip in record time. Jacob was waiting in the shadows of his front yard when I got there. He seemed more at ease in the shadow, though I knew he could have hidden fully from me had he wished it. He walked over to my truck before I even had the engine turned off and flashed me something reminiscent of one of the old Jacob's smiles. It warmed me further, and I felt even more confident in my decision.

"We need to talk," I said, "in private, but I don't know that I mean outside either."

"Come inside the house," he offered, opening the truck door for me. "Dad is out of town for the weekend visiting Rebecca. We'll be all alone."

It was perfect. Was this fate's way of encouraging my decision? Bad luck after bad luck, and now that I have run to Jacob everything is done by fate to help me. I prayed that this streak of good luck would hold. We went and sat in his living room. I sat down on one end of the couch, and he sat as far on the other end as he could manage. Obviously he had his problems with my visit, and I hoped that when he learned the truth of it that it wouldn't be quite so repulsive to him.

"Can I ask you something, hypothetically?" I asked, trying to keep my face somewhat devoid of emotion. As usual, though, I was sure to be an open book. Especially to Jacob, who noticed things about me that others didn't.

"You can ask," he said nonchalantly. "I can't promise an answer."

"Fair enough," I said, then took a deep breath. "What if I had chosen you over Edward? Would things have changed? I mean, would you want to start making decisions for me?"

His face contorted into something akin to pain, as if reminding him of my choice was cruel. It would be over soon enough, though, even if he didn't realize it. "No," he said finally. "I wouldn't change things. I've always been open with you, Bella. I've always told you my opinion of things."

That was truth, and I recognized it as such. "What if, hypothetically speaking, I changed my mind?"

His face remained tense. "It would make me... very happy."

"Jake?" I said.

"Yes?" He prompted.

I took another deep breath, then smiled. "I choose you."

A second passed. Then two. And then I felt Jacob's lips crush mine, his strong arms wrap around me and pull me onto his lap. Normally, as I had learned from his hugs, Jacob's strength would crush me. Now, though, he was careful. It would seem that despite his apparent joy, he was still cautious enough about the situation to not want to risk crushing me.

I kissed him back enthusiastically. It was nothing like kissing Edward, whose cold lips were like solid marble. Not that kissing Edward had been anything other than enjoyable, but Jacob's touch was like nothing I could have imagined. My heart raced, and my body rose drastically in temperature. I would be quite willing to get lost in him, and wouldn't care if he never let go of me.

Finally Jacob pulled back. He was quiet for a minute, seeming to choose his words carefully. "What if you change your mind again?" he asked, quite fairly. "What if you decide that it's not all that greener on the other side and would rather return to the bloodsuckers?"

"I will have to talk to them eventually," I said, sighing. "I owe them an explanation. And I still care about them, so I don't appreciate your nicknames for them. But, Jacob, I won't be changing my mind. I love you, and I've realized you are the only one I could _stay_ happy with. Go ahead, Jake. Make me yours."

He seemed somewhat satisfied with my response, and then the meaning of my last words seemed to sink in. He raised an eyebrow at me in question, not trusting his own translation of my meaning. It seemed I would have to prove it to him. I closed the space between us once more, placing my hand on the back of Jacob's neck and pulling him towards me. I kissed him eagerly, wrapping the rest of my body around him. He was motionless for a minute, and then I could feel the muscles in his body relax and he seemed to accept my words fully.

He stood up, easily carrying my body as though it were no heavier than a feather. We went back to his bedroom that seemed barely bigger than a closet, falling onto his large bed than his legs still hung off of. His black, silky hair that he'd allowed to grow somewhat longer again framed his face and his eyes seemed to glow brightly. It seemed in a way that Jacob had decided to take advantage of my certainty before I had the chance to alter it. I wasn't objecting.

Jacob's touch thrilled me, and my hands moved to remove his shirt so that our skin could be that much closer. He seemed happy enough with that idea, and quickly rid me of mine as well. He didn't stop with my shirt, moving without pause to the rest of my clothing. I helped as much as I could, kicking off my shoes and raising my hips to make removing my jeans easier for him.

We lay there for awhile, when there was nothing left to prevent our skin from touching. Our hands and lips explored, and we soaked in the sensation of just being so close to one another. Finally we starting moving once more in earnest, Jacob enthralled by the female form and me more than willing to surrender myself to his education.

One of his hands explored the contour of my jaw, then fell to my neck, tracing down along the curve of my breast and the slim line of my waist. His fingers flared outwards, matching the flare of my hips, and finally went to explore the depths between my legs. One of his long, graceful fingers slid inside of me, and the sensation caused me to moan involuntarily. He grinned at my reaction. It was the first time in a long time that I'd seen Jacob truly smile, unhindered by the thoughts of vampires and werewolves. It made my heart flutter, and strangely it caused even more heat to flow through me and seem pool in the bottom of my stomach and around my hips.

He felt my barrier, like so much else that he observed about me, and paused to look at me in question. "Are you..." he began to ask, breaking off quickly and his face going red. It struck me as strange that it unnerved him so to ask the question, when here we were, our naked bodies touching.

"Yes," I said softly in answer.

He grinned again, the glow in his eyes burning brighter in excitement. His finger worked its way in and out of me slowly, until finally he felt confident enough to try something more. I looked at him and nodded encouragement, shifting my body in a way that I hoped would make things easier. It wasn't like either of us really knew what we were doing. But that was the idea, to make decisions and learn from the mistakes.

I was learning to breathe, and enjoying every minute of it.


	2. Breathing Heavy

_The original oneshot that started all this, Learning to Breathe, was the product of boredom that just happened to turn into something I was proud of. Further boredom, and the suggestion of others, caused me to consider continuing the story. I know where I would take it, but as yet I'm unsure of whether or not I should do so. In the meantime, the story will be the equivalent of something like an oneshot collection -- each will be better if the others have been read, but you probably wouldn't be missing anything if you just them randomly._

_If response is good, then there may well be additions to this. If not, then I trust I've left loose ends suitably tied._

* * *

I was learning to breathe, and enjoying every minute of it.

Jacob's excitement was contagious, not that I needed anything else to excite me. The heat of his body, the look in his eyes, and the way his hands caressed me all contributed to create a sensation that left me unable to function properly. I could do little else but lay there and enjoy his efforts, as all attempts to act were broken by the need to let my head fall back against the pillow as I listened to the sounds of my own moaning. It was strange to hear my reactions to him, nearly embarrassing, but Jake made it clear by his actions how thoroughly he enjoyed hearing me.

As always, Jacob could read me well. He waited until I was near begging before he pushed things further, determined to make my first time as enjoyable as possible. That was Jacob for you, doing everything he could to ensure my own happiness regardless of what torture those actions would hold in store for him. Even if it was a sweet torture.

He aligned himself at my entrance, already quite wet from his attentions. He leaned down closer to me, so that as much of our bodies were touching as possible, and kissed my lips slowly. When he felt me respond to his kiss, he thrust forward gently.

I gasped in pain, shocked at how thoroughly something meant to be pleasurable could cause such pain. My body tensed, as did Jacob's in response. "Bells? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

A nod was all I could manage for a moment, though he waited for me to speak before he answered. My body had already began to adjust to him inside of me, though I was well aware his recent werewolf inspired growth was not all in height. That was a detail I was more than willing to explore in full at a later date.

"I'm fine," I said breathlessly, adjusting my body slightly beneath him. I didn't miss the change in his expression as my hips shifted, the way his jaw clenched slightly as my body subtly encouraged him forward. He was barely containing himself, and I was well aware of the fact. "Go on, Jake, it will get better."

My voiced encouragement seemed enough for him to release a portion of his control, and he slid deeper within me. More heat seemed to pool within me, clouding my ability to think, and the first tinges of pleasure began to course through me. As he withdrew for the first time, returning to sheathe himself fully inside me, I gasped once more. Only this time is was purely out of indescribable pleasure. Pain was quickly being forgotten as I got lost in these new sensations. I craved more, and began to push my hips up to meet him with each thrust. My arms slid around him and what little fingernails I had dug into his back, partially out of pleasure and partially to encourage him further.

He responded eagerly, though the sound he made was an intriguing combination of a groan and a whimper. I could tell it was the werewolf in him coming out, but I was far from objecting. Jake might have a difficult time accepting that he was no monster, but to me it was another thing entirely. It just made him even more special in my eyes, though the Jacob I had known before was special enough in his own right. His being a werewolf didn't frighten me in the slightest.

To be honest, there was a part of me that found it intriguing. Perhaps even excited. I didn't know exactly why that was, but I knew it was something to think about later. Whatever the reason, the sounds he made shot through me as much as any action ever could, pushing me ever closer to the edge.

"Bells," Jacob said between gasps, "I don't how much longer..."

I grinned up at him, pulling his head back down for another kiss as I pushed my hips roughly up once more. "It's alright, Jake," I said encouragingly. "Release your control. I want to feel you enjoy this."

He laughed for a second, not slowing his pace, and started to say something. He seemed to change his mind though, and kissed my neck softly before doubling his speed. It felt as though my eyes rolled to the back of my head and conscious thought became a difficulty. I saw his muscles rippling as he used his entire body in his efforts, and I had no complaint. During this time I heard myself doing something akin to speaking, and felt the movement of my lips, but couldn't really indentify the incoherent ramblings.

The last thrust was the strongest, as though he were trying to bury himself in my very soul. His body relaxed on top of mine, though his arms still supported him slightly to keep the weight off me. After a minute he moved to lay beside me on his bed, pulling me close to him as we both drifted towards sleep. I was grateful that it was a slightly cold night, or else Jake's warmth would have been too much and I wanted desperately to stay in his arms.

"Bella," said Jacob softly. "You should know... I mean, I know I've spoken a little about this before. But... I love you, and I just wanted you to know it."

"I know it, Jake," I whispered back. "I love you too."

We woke early the next morning, just as the sun was rising, to the sound of a telephone ringing. It took a minute to wake up fully, our bodies still glued to one another and my lips aching to see if he still tasted as good as he had before. Jacob forced himself to get up, though, and a moment later I could hear him talking in the other room.

"Hello?" he said gruffly, voice still a haze from sleeping. "Charlie... Yes, she's here. She's okay... We were up late talking and fell asleep. The phone just woke me up. I think Bella is still asleep... Yes... Ok... See you then."

He returned to his bedroom soon after I heard him hang up the phone and promptly joined me in bed. "Charlie was just worried," he explained quickly. "But, hey, I'm just Jake. Apparently I would never, ever threaten your innocence."

I looked up at him, thoroughly amused. "Is that so?" I asked, laughing. "So should I take it the events of last night were a dream?"

"What events might those be?" he asked, raising his eyebrow and grinning at me suggestively. "Are you having dirty dreams about me, Miss Swan?"

Jacob didn't give me a chance to respond before he pulled me underneath him and began to cover my neck in kisses. He might have everyone else fooled, but now I knew better. It was a Sunday morning, and there was nowhere I had to be for awhile. By the time he would be done with me today, I highly doubted there would be much of my supposed 'innocence' left. As my breathing became heavier, and we replayed the events of the night before with our bodies, I became even more certain that I never wanted to let Jake go.

Later that afternoon we took the time to talk. Jake had made me get fully dressed for the conversation, claiming it was unfair of me to expect his full attention otherwise. He didn't seem to mind when I pointed out he'd have to put a shirt on too if he wanted mine, a detail that had been bugging me for months. I'd never really been sure if he realized just how good he looked without his shirt on. Judging by the reaction I got out of him at my comment, though, I thought it fair to say he'd known all along he was playing dirty. If anything I'd only encouraged him further by verbalizing the fact that it got to me.

Still, I had very little as far as complaints went. I had a guy who had not only said, but proved time and time again, that he loved me. A guy who just happened to be a werewolf, and could protect me from the more negative vampire attention I'd gained. A guy who my father approved of, and had a chest that could get me breathing heavy just at the sight of him. I could see myself being a very happy girl for a very long time.


	3. Holding My Breath

I should have realized sooner that my luck wouldn't hold. I'm Bella Swan, so of course disaster will catch up with me eventually. The fact that I had now chosen Jake and felt much better for doing so was beside the point. It was late Saturday night and I'd just gotten home from La Push. In the morning there was school, and I highly doubted that Charlie's "anything is good if it involves Jacob" attitude would cover skipping classes too. I'd hoped that Edward would wait to confront me about my actions until tomorrow. I needed at least that long to think of what to say.

Instead, he was waiting in my room when I got home. As he lay on my bed his body was relaxed, but his eyes flashed with concern and anger. Did he know? I couldn't help but wonder where Alice's limits extended. If she couldn't see my intention to go to La Push until it was too late, would she now have seen anything to suggest my decision? How far could Jacob's werewolf side hide things?

"Hey," I said finally, dropping my keys on my desk and throwing my jacket on the chair. I was surprised I managed to form that one word successfully. Whether Edward knew everything or not, his expression said he at least knew something, and I was not prepared for this.

"Why, Bella?" he asked. "You know you worry me when you go there. I can't protect you in La Push."

Ah. So he didn't know everything. Or if he did he was damn good at hiding it. Somehow I don't think Edward would feign ignorance in this instance. "Well, we do need to talk about it," I said slowly. "I know you couldn't protect me there, but Jake could. I know you have a low opinion of the werewolves, and their opinion of you is no higher, but... really... both of you would be able to protect me if it came to it."

"If he loses control--" began Edward, but I cut him off.

"No, let me speak my mind before I lose the nerve," I said. "He and his kind are no more in danger of losing control than you and yours. They may have tempers, but at least they don't crave my blood. I really get sick of hearing you talk about Jake that way when we both know that he's the only reason I lived through you leaving me."

"I'm sorry, Bella," said Edward. "I see now how my leaving didn't work out for the best, but I had your interests in mind."

"That's the whole point," I continued. "You always have my interests in mind, but rarely do you factor in what I want in any given situation. You decide for me, assuming that you know best, and then when it blows up in our faces you cite your intentions as an excuse. I want to make my own decisions, Edward. I can't breathe like this."

We were both quite for a minute. I very long minute. Awkwardness filled the room, and my stomach felt like it was playing some weird game of Twister inside me. Eventually, Edward spoke. "I see. I... uh... I will try to back off some. I understand that you are your own person."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "You can't, Edward. You might be able to manage it for a few days. A week. Maybe even longer. But eventually you won't be able to, and I can't go back to that. It's who you are, to want to protect others. It's just that your way of protecting people doesn't work with my way of living."

His voice was strained. "What, exactly, are you saying, Bella?"

"I'm saying..." I started, my voice cracking halfway through. "I'm saying we aren't meant to be, Edward. We need to stop pretending we are, or we will both end up miserable."

"I see," was all he said.

I pressed on, trying to get out everything I needed to say. "That doesn't mean I don't care for you, or that I want to stop seeing you and your family. I love you all dearly. I just can't be happy while we are in a relationship, and I realized yesterday that I have been lying to myself for awhile."

"So you ran to the werewolf?" he asked, his jaw clenching. "You smell like him. More so than from most visits."

"One of the things I realized yesterday," I explained, choosing my words carefully, "is how much he has always been there for me. How... how he doesn't make decisions for me. I'm happy when I'm around him. Even when my heart was broken from you leaving, he managed to bring light into my world. I needed to talk to him."

Edward was carefully unclenching his hands and forcing his body relaxed. He seemed close to losing it. "Did you get all your talking done?" he asked bitterly, his expression showing just how much he had rather accurately read between the lines.

"Please don't be mad at me, Edward," I begged. "I just—"

"Don't. Just don't," he said, not even looking at me. "I'll get over this eventually, I think. Not loving you, I'll never get over that. But I'll get over you choosing a werewolf instead. I'll get over that much at least, if not anything else. Not now, though. I can't look at you now."

When Edward wants to move quickly he can do so faster than the human eye can see. A second later he was gone, and the breeze coming in through my open window chilled me to the bone.

___________________________________________________

That night I went to bed crying. I was happy, mostly, but it had hurt me to see Edward in such pain. When I got to school the next day, only one Cullen showed.

"Oh, Bella," said Alice, hugging me close. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Sorry?" I asked, confused. "Why are you sorry?"

"My visions have changed," she explained carefully. "I see another future for you that I couldn't before. I guess you know why. Now that you have spoken to Edward, it's a little clearer for me. Still blurred, what with Jacob Black involved, but I can see you happy. I see now that while turning you and bringing you into the family was the best thing of what I could see before, it wasn't better than the path you are on now. I'm sorry if anything I said nearly pushed you into the wrong decision. I only want you happy, Bella."

Her words brought tears to my eyes once more, and here I was thinking I'd already cried all the tears I had. "Thank you, Alice," I said warmly. "You don't know how much better that makes me feel. Is Edward..."

"He went to visit friends for a little while," Alice said. "He saw my new vision before he left, though. Edward needs time, Bella, but I think what he saw convinced him you will be happier this way. That's all he wants for you."

"And everyone else?" I asked hopefully.

"I think we will all need time," she answered calmly. "The others can't see my vision like Edward can, and it's not the same trying to explain to them. They aren't angry. Just, well, I suppose hurt is the word. We all love you very much, Bella. It's like losing a member of the family, having you choose the wolves over us."

I just looked at her for a minute. "I still love all of you," I told her. "I'll be here, you know, when everyone realizes that the werewolves don't have to be your enemy."

___________________________________________________

The rest of my day went by in a blur. When I got home, Jake was waiting for me. He seemed to know without my needing to say that I'd spoken to the Cullens. He didn't press me for details. He didn't appear arrogant over my choice. He just took me in his arms and held me close. I took a deep breath then, reveling in having him so close to me. It was if I'd been holding my breath since last night, not even realizing it. But now I could breathe, all because of Jake.


End file.
